Who Would Choose This Anyway?!

Apparently me.  A one year old and a three year old tugging at my every fibre and I decide, ‘I can do this on my own!’.  It sounds like an insane choice when you are talking about a stay-at-home-mama with 2 toddlers.

It wasn’t my first choice.  My first choice was marriage, a supporting partner, a loving family, with all the trimmings.  House, car, kids, pet, family vacations and traditions, some old, some new.

Somewhere in the implementation of these dreams, the wheel fell off the wagon.  We fell off the wagon.  I’m pretty sure things were falling off the wagon all along.  I’m still not entirely sure where or what we lost.  Or who or what fell off first.  I do know that there was a pinnacle point when I decided the path we were on was no longer mine.  The decision was not made lightly, nor was it made hastily.  It wasn’t even made alone, not entirely anyway.  But our existence together and as a family was no longer serving everyone involved.  And of course once the wheel gets loose its only a matter of time before the wheel falls off.

And there were children aboard!

Maternal instinct, or fear, or whatever it was, all my focus turned to the kids.  How would we gently move to separate living situation?  Should we do the final traditions with each other?  It’s so close to birthday’s, the holiday’s, and new year’s.  I’m a stay-at-home-mom…how am I going to support my family with stability and vision?  Some how we made it through this time.  Well okay…I like to attribute it to my acumen.  And we were pretty civil during this time.  There were difficulty’s.  But we managed to get through the first part dignity still intact.

Now I’m truly on my own, he has moved 50 minutes to the East.  So aside from access weekends, its just me and the girls.  My family 45 minutes to the West.  His family 20 minutes to the North, but I have no contact with them since the separation.

Its just US…now what?  A lot has happened since this time, so I’m not entirely clear what exactly happened next.  Or what details were exactly pinnacle.  BUT the biggest shift during this time was in me.  I was making my own decisions.  For me, for them, for our future.  No more checking in on minor decisions.  No more waiting on someone else for dinner.  No more wondering if plans had to change due to a work schedule change.  I took this to heart!  Things were going to get done now.  First on the agenda was rebuilding our home to feel like we had set on a new path, purging our old way of life, and setting up our future.  I relished in this time together.  I continued to stay home with my girls for another year.  This time was so important for me/us, and I was certain we were going to make the best of it!

We struggled too.  Sleep was still a big problem in our house.  I’m not even sure when we finally got a hold of the good night sleep, it was years in the making. Young kids are crazy making at times.  Mine were certainly no exception (As I will go over in future blogs).

And I was essentially choosing to be alone.  Parent alone.  Live alone.  Face the uncertain future without a committed partner.  Sounds like crazy talk.  It’s a choice i would make again!

Our family wagon seemed to right itself for a while, looking back its hard to say exactly when the wagon went out of control again.  Our gleaming issues of difficulty in communication were a HUGE stumbling block.  They are still a HUGE stumbling block.  We just aren’t able to find a common ground in anything we discuss.

I hold out hope.